My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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