So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
