Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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