hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize