I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
What a dumb baby whore.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
