There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
