You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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