The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
