Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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