wakey wakey hands off snakey
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize