Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
