i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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