4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
