my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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