Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i love accidental penises.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
