I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize