shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
