Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
