I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
