Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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