He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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