I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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