he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize