Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
