he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
