I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
