in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
