dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
