how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
