Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
