I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
