proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
