I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
