my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
