thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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