Your favorite bartender is back from prision
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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