we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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