he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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