he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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