i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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