my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
