i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
