my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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