u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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