Apparently you make a good broom.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, beer. Big fan.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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