I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
