My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
