I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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