I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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