Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
