I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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