Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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