yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
