I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize