I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
