He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The beer is more important than you right now.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
