Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
