party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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