DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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