i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
