I CAN MOONWALK!
Barsexuality is the new black.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
