if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
