So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
