I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
