it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
